As I prepared for my first talk about my book, Life: A Story of Believing, my inner doubts fuelled by negative comments came to the forefront and I questioned whether I could do this; whether I could open up my soul again; to be vulnerable but honest, and to be able to believe in myself.

I was there as Anna Louise (varying surnames), but ultimately Spanna the wife, the widow, the daughter, and the mum. And in that room surrounded by bears, family friends, and new friends, I suddenly felt comfortable and confident, and able to talk for some 50 minutes about life, grief, trauma. I was able to talk about belief and hope and life and believing. It was my story of believing.

The book has taken two years to get to this point. After meeting Fraser’s heart recipient and a chance follow on X, I began communicating with a ghostwriter and decided maybe this time was my time to put my memoir down on paper.

The process was meant to be three days of interviews and it was agreed that this would be my book and my story and my recollections, without the need to glamorise or sensationalise – it would be the truth.

The process of writing the book itself was delayed by other difficult personal life incidents. Covid and complexities of the mind meant that this process took over two years. The hope was that this book might help me mentally, classically be cathartic, and perhaps help in some way with my own constant linear grieving process. Writing the book did so much more than that as I opened up for the first time ever, all the while checking those facts of a situation that went into a frenzy and in itself dispelled belief.

Wobbling halfway through the process with feedback from publishers that I wasn’t Instagrammable enough, or strangely, that I had already received too much media, I felt that my story wasn’t worth reading or that I had no voice. The idea of getting the book published faded for a while. But with the support again of family and Mike Young, I was convinced that I did have a voice and that my story was worth listening to. I was convinced that I should complete this book. As a result, I decided to self-publish.

During the book talk, I shared pictures and videos and the empathy and the reactions in the room were just wonderful. While reading out my own words of the book’s preface, that ‘You may think you know my story but even I don’t know my story,’ and society’s attitude to grief, I found my voice becoming stronger and felt an overwhelming wave of acceptance and support. Difficult questions were raised at the end, but I could feel the empathy and the hope that people will, as one person said, ‘leave the room questioning their own reactions to grief.’

Therefore, I do now firmly believe there is a story in my life and that it will be shared ‘warts and all’, quite aptly on my baby boy’s 16th birthday on the 15th September.

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